Beyond Happiness: What Are We Really Seeking?

A client recently shared that she’d been asked, “Are you happy?” She found herself flummoxed. The question, though seemingly simple, stirred something deeper. How can I know if I’m truly happy? What does happiness even mean? Is it a fleeting mood, a profound state, or perhaps a distant destination?

We use the word happy frequently, almost casually. Yet, it remains strangely elusive.

Interestingly, happy originates from the Old Norse word happ, meaning luck or chance—the same root as perhaps or happenstance. Historically, happiness was something that occurred to you, not something you cultivated or controlled. It was about fortune, not fulfilment or joy.

Philosophers and psychologists have long grappled with the meaning of happiness. Aristotle distinguished between fleeting pleasures and eudaimonia—a deeper form of flourishing that comes from living a life of virtue and purpose. In more recent times, psychologist Martin Seligman proposed that well-being includes several components: positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment (PERMA).

Seligman’s view of happiness is layered. It’s not about chasing good feelings—it’s about building a life that feels meaningful, using your strengths, nurturing relationships, and staying engaged with what matters.

Another helpful framework, with similar principles to Seligman’s PERMA model, is suggested by the mental health charity MIND: the Five Ways to Well-being. These simple, evidence-based actions - Connect, Be Active, Take Notice, Keep Learning, and Give - can gently guide us toward greater balance and vitality. They remind us that happiness is less a goal, and more a byproduct of intentional living.

Perhaps happy is too blunt an instrument for what we truly want to express. What if, instead, we asked: Do I feel content? Satisfied? Grounded? These are quieter, subtler states—but maybe more enduring and within reach.

And what, in truth, brings us joy - or even a flicker of happiness? It’s deeply personal and often nuanced. It might be laughing until your sides ache, crafting something with your hands, planting seeds in the garden, feeling sunlight on your skin, catching a baby’s smile, or curling up with a cup of tea in bed. These moments aren’t always grand, but they are real and we feel them deeply.

One powerful emotion often linked to happiness is awe—that goosebump-inducing moment when you gaze at a star-filled sky, witness a thunderstorm rolling in, stand before a favourite painting, or observe a quiet act of kindness. Awe connects us to something beyond ourselves. Research suggests it enhances life satisfaction, fosters humility, and helps us gain perspective—reminding us there’s more to life than our immediate worries.

In therapy, it’s not uncommon to meet clients who believe they should be happier—and wonder what’s wrong when they’re not. But as Freud wryly noted, the aim of psychoanalysis wasn’t to create joy, but to help people exchange neurotic misery for “common unhappiness.” A life without struggle isn’t the goal. A life where suffering is understood, held, and made meaningful—that may be closer to the truth.

So next time someone asks, “Are you happy?” perhaps we can pause, take a breath, and ask ourselves: What am I truly feeling? What matters to me right now? What brings me into connection with myself and others? That might not be happy in the conventional sense—but it could be something richer. Something authentic. Something real.

“Maybe happiness is this: not feeling that you should be elsewhere, doing something else, being someone else.”– Eric Weiner